quinta-feira, 3 de janeiro de 2008

Bit sad today..Meio tristinha hoje..

Woke up early today..My god, i had a terrible conversation with Cid yesterday.I swear i cannot understand how the hell the can handle with that mad relationship far across the distance with the girl from Pernambuco's small town, which by the way is called Garanhuns...Don't want to talk about this anymore,it's causing so much pain..My heart is wounded..Hope this get better as soon as posible, can't hold this situation..It's so nice to have that special feeling,love..in spite of it, i'm suffering,but i still have hope to change this situation..Please, really need all your help..He even cried when we talked yesterday,really don't why...And i don't want to know why..
All the best..
Tô meio sem paciência pra escrever hoje..Acho que deu pra perceber pelo tamanho do meu post na versão em inglês..Tive uma conversa meio dramática com ele ontem pelo skype..Fui literalemente "empurrada" contra a parede...Perguntou o que eu realmente sentia por ele e é claro, fui muito sincera, como sempre: Disse que de fato antes só sentia uma bela amizade, só que esse sentimento foi se expandindo,tanto que chegou onde chegou...Só posso dizer que me sinto feliz por ter a nítida certeza que meu coração ainda se encontra extremamente capaz de nutrir um sentimento tão bonito e completo por alguém..Nesse aspecto, concordo com um desses poetas que não me recordo o nome:"É melhor ter amado e sofrido do que nunca ter amado"..Se não me engano, acho que o autor era Lord Tennyson..Acho que porquê quando a gente não ama, passa a vida toda num estado de letargia, meio anestesiado,sabe?E mesmo com toda a conversa triste que tivemos ontem,nossa, até chorar ele chorou..E eu lhe perguntei o porquê dele estar chorando e ele respondeu:"Acho que ando meio sensível ultimamente"..Qual será o real motivo pelo qual ele chorou,praticamente desde o início da nossa conversa?Realmente não sei..A não ser que algum dia ele resolva me dizer..Ontem tive a atitude de ligar para minha avó,depois de quase dois anos, eu acho...Tudo isso depois de uma maravilhosa conversa que ele e eu tivemos na terça-feira, na casa dos tios dele..Como esses três dias foram maravilhosos!Domingo( dia30/12), segunda(31/12) e terça (01/01/08)...Vão ficar aqui, bem guardadinhos na minha memória..
Foi o melhor reveillon que tive, não precisei de mais nada, só a companhia dele já me fazia feliz, e muito...É uma pessoa iluminada,um espírito iluminado, que possui defeitos,é claro, assim como eu, mas que com certeza tem muita coisa a me passar..Tomei uma atitude meio drástica ontem a noite depois da conversa com ele..Guardei o livro que mudou tanto meus pensamentos,minha maneira de encarar a vida num gesto desesperado de tentar amenizar a ferida aberta aqui dentro..Será que funcionou?Não sei...Só sei que tá doendo..Muito..Mas sofrer faz parte da natureza humana,talvez seja uma coisa não digo boa, mas que pode contribuir pra me fazer perceber que ainda estou viva, que ainda sinto,choro, sofro, amo..Enfim, sou humana..Graças à Deus..

8 comentários:

Suzanne disse...

Hi Sweetie,

It makes me sad to see your face so sad and to read your words here as well as on my blog. I guess my concern is singular: Cid is obviously your best friend. What happens to the relationship with your "best friend" if there is no possibility of romance? I'd hate to see that end.

Honestly, like you, I don't understand the virtual relationship he has with the other woman. However, a deep connection must exist because he's indicated he can't have a relationship with you (however, he sounds conflicted). It's important to be respectful of that. The question of course is how do you continue the friendship if you love him in a romantic way without killing your spirit and heart? I don't know the answer. That's for you to decide. Love is often very painful, but it's how you conduct yourself in the difficult times that will usually predict how you will come out on the other side.

I love you my dear and I'm so sorry you're in pain. You're a very smart woman with an enormous heart. Both your brain and heart are confused right now, but you have a little voice, as we all do, directing you. As you know, it's your conscience and it will rarely betray you. Listen quietly when it speaks.

I love you my dear. I'm right here. You can contact me any time you wish and I promise to check in every day.

Warm hugs,

savannah_rae disse...

Oh Ludmila, my heart hurts for you. I know exactly what you are going through right now....from your perspective, and from Cid's.

Let's start with Cid. I think you are so right about the "virtual relationship". My freshmen year in college I "met" someone online. In less than I month I was totally in love. I stayed up nights on end talking to "him" and we planned a life together. I really don't know exactly what happened...but turns out "he" was a fake and just playing with me. I was failing my classes. I was told "he" was in a wreck and near death...I stopped eating and lost weight. It was all a lie. I just want you to know, you are right to be weary. You never know who you are talking to. They can always say the right thing. It's so hard. And I can imagine how he must be conflicted. Online, he has this girl he thinks he has this amazing connecting with, blah blah. Then in real life, there's you. You're there. For him to touch, hold, be with, laugh with. You're real. And I think that scares him.

I have also fallen for my best friend. It's something I still struggle with daily, actually. Daniel and I have been best friends since we were five. We were "boyfriend and girlfriend" all through elementary school. I truly believe he is my soul mate. Daniel is my best friend. I love him with all my heart. As a person. As a friend. As family. He's amazing. And my life would be lacking so much if he weren't a part of it. All through high school I waited for him. We thought we were going to be together forever. Our families thought it. Our friends thought it. But we never dated. I was so in love with him. I probably missed tons of opportunities to date and live a little. But I waited at home..waited for him. He didn't want to date me. He didn't want to ruin our friendship. And I'm so thankful for that. I spent so much time focusing on being in love with him. Luckily, I was able to enjoy our time together. We were ALWAYS together. So it made it hard. But, I wouldn't change it.

I still wonder, if I hadn't come to school in Missouri. If I had gone back to Texas after Cottey. What could have been between me and Daniel? And I don't know. I think, though, that if it WOULD have been something special, something would have happened. We would be together. But we aren't. We are simply meant to be the very best friends to each other. And that doesn't mean you don't love each other. Love is such an amazing thing. And it can be felt so deep, and on so many levels. I love Alex (my boyfriend) with all my heart. And I really couldn't imagine being with anyone but him. But I love Daniel more...in a different way. If that makes sense.

I don't know if I'm offering you support, or just rambling on about my past. But I just want you to know, that I've been there. And you have to be strong. And you can't take for granted the amazing times you share. Cid will work through his "relationship". All you can do is offer support and be there for him. Be the best friend you can be. And if more is meant to be, it will happen. If not, always remember to treasure what an amazing friendship and relationship you have with him. Not many women can say they have a [man] friend like that. And I thinnk it's incredibly special. Just know that I am here for you, if you ever need to talk. I will pray for your strength, and I hope to see you smiling soon.

XOXO, Savannah

Lizette disse...

Try to keep smiling.
Lizette (in Canada)

Robyn disse...

Not really sure what has transpired but sounds like there is conflict between Cid and you?! And Cid is your bestfriend?! Hmmm...and he has a girlfriend?! Not that my opinion counts but I say take one day at time. Don't rush or push this special relationship you have with Cid. If it is meant to be it will.

It is hard sometimes to make out what other people might be thinking, for one do you know if Cid feels the same way you do? I am sure he does have some deep rooted feelings for you but can't act on them as of now, though.

Since you seem to have just gotten out of a relationship your self maybe the best thing for you is to start fresh. And be kind to your self and let things settle first. Things have a way of working themselves out in the end! I send you warm wishes and warm thoughts. I wish for you to be happy with YOU!

You are a smart woman and will do whats right for you. I only wish your the best!
Sending sunny smiles for California!

Anônimo disse...

Hi Ludmila,
Just heard about your distress from reading Suzanne's blog. I do not really know you, and this may not be what you wish to hear...but..just carry on being there for Cid as a friend. The internet relationship he has will blow over- a relationship online is NOT REAL, it cannot be. (I have been there!)It is the stuff of fantasy, hopes, dreams- and can be very intense. Carry on loving him until he is ready to turn to you.
Don't know if this helps.
Best wishes, Cinnamon.

elusive disse...

Hi Ludmila,
Firstly, lemme tell you that you have a nice blog here. Your emotions transpire well to your readers, and that really matters.
About Cid, well all I can say is right now he needs a friend, and he sees that friend in you. Be there for him, am sure you will. As for your feelings for him, well sometimes (sadly enough) our love doesn;t get reciprocated in the way we want it to. Cid obviously sees you as his anchor, but maybe he doesn't feel the same way, I think he himself is so confused. Just be a good friend, and you know what.. just enjoy the fact that you are in love. Your love needn;t be reciprocated but you can enjoy the feeling just the same..i guess that's the best way you can handle this situation..may the force be with you..

Anônimo disse...

hello ludmila...
i can understand the pain ur going thro.... but i really dono wat to say to u...everybody lives with the hope tat things will be alright one day.... i guess even u have to live with that hope...i know it hurts... but everybody has to go thro pain to understand what happiness is....
i hope things will be alright soon dear
take care.....

Apenas tentou usar instrumentos linguísticos para converter Inglês para português ... espero a sua mais fácil de entender para u:)
Olá Ludmila ...
I pode compreender a dor ur acontecendo com .... Mas eu realmente dono wat de dizer ao u. .. todo mundo vive com a esperança especial coisas serão bem um dia .... I guess u ainda têm de viver com essa esperança ... eu sei que dói ... Mas toda a gente tem de ir com dor de compreender o que é felicidade ....
I espero coisas serão bem cedo caro
Cuidar .....

Ludmila M. disse...

To cinnamon:Thank you dear, i really apreciate the support you're giving to me..Very kind of yours..I've writen to Robyn a further description of what's hapenning,please stop by her blog and check this..It would be nice to understand more my situation..I'm tryin' to be strong,tomorrow i'm going to visit his mother,who lives two streets after mine and tell her the real situation,at least how i see this..
All the best,